28 December 2008 ( a busy day)

today i have nothing to write... it was a busy day... i worked in my workshop for the whole day starting from eight in the morning till five in evening.. then i continue my work from six in the evening till midnight in the college.. hence, it is really nothing that i can write about me for today... as nothing unusual happened, except that i continued to make huge improvement to my designed products... as for tomorrow... a lot of stuff will be finallized and it will be a really busy day too for me.... 

27 December... another breakthrough....

there was another breakthrough in the project that i have been doing for all the times in this year end holiday.... and this breakthrough allows me to implement my designs in the upcoming indoor positioning system that i will take a deep look into it for the next semester.... yup...... and my year end mission is now at the edge for the finishing touch... two of my projects has been completed.... colour sensor and infrared sensor.... the sensors really exceed my expectation... another two are in the middle of some finishing touches... they are the ultrasonic sensor and the infrared remote controller... i hope to complete it in a week's time.... 

but the scariest moment has begun.... reports writing!!! walao..... so many sensors... how i gonna write about all those stuffs in 2 weeks time leh??? actually i have a very good solution--- sacrifies my chances of sleeping peacefully at night.... it will be a huge loss for my body in this coming 2 weeks.... but at least i still believe in something, the hard works worth and mean a lot... at least to me.... 

so ... unfortunately ... i like to write rubbish in my blog, something that people dont really understand... especially in the above 2 paragraphs... please forgive me....

the school will reopen in 3 days time... it doesnt feel like i'm having a holiday at all.... the situation is like ----- finally i can have some times to just seat down and relax and listen to the lecturer in class.... something that i dont have the opportunity to do it in the holiday...  and of course.. it is also something that wasting students' time ..... haha.....

so.... another stuff.. the new year is just around the corner... what i should do??? do i already have some new missions for my year 2009 planning.... ?? of course not yet... do i need to have some planning for my new year... ? of course i do... and the next stuff... do i really have something that i want to do so much in the next coming new year?? i dont know.... do i miss my mom?? yes i do......

Merry Christmas!!!

i wish you a merry christmas

i wish you a merry christmas

i wish you a merry christmas

and a happy new yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........................

the joy of christmas doesnt reach me

the day of joy seems sorrow to me

celebration was postponed for some reasons

for reasons that i wish they didnt happen

it has since given me strength and courageous

to strive for better future achievement

but the heart keep broken in every single night

for the pain and wound will not be cured 

the time is the best medicine for all reasons

it walks pass everything without hesitation

it washes away sorrow and disappointment

and broken heart and confusing mind

it gives strength to those needed

and i'm one of those who needs the medicine

a lonely christmas in another way

a lonely night without the voices of ..........

a peaceful holiday with no holiday

a busy day to forget anything i wish to forget

a meaningful day to start with a new life

a new year with new direction in life

may God bless you

may God bless me

and may God bless everyone.....

it's Christmas Eve!!!

24th of December.... it's the Christmas eve!! which is a night of peace for everyone... and for me... yes... it brings me luck too.... i have field-tested my colour sensor and it's working well!!! what a wonderful day for me... it's a huge step forward for me... and of course .... for my target of finishing all my current development projects before new year... January will be a showcase for the performance of the sensors... as well as upgrading to the level which i personally think it is the best that i can do with my analogue signal processing knowledge.... yes... next semester will be a whole new challenge for me as i will venture into the world of digital signal processing.... with one of the final objectives is to achieve something in active noise cancellation technique...

ok... so let's not talk about rubbish anymore... actually sometimes i hate to do these kind of stuffs... it's the christmas eve.... but this year.. i ain't going to anywhere.... you know... no money... so for this year... i will celebrate the coming of christmas and new year in my college.... with some circuit boards and laptop by my side... 

it will be the new year in seven days... i ought to have some new life objectives by then.... still thinking.... i'm still trying to adjust myself to a new life... may God bless me this time to start a new life... happily....

tonight...... yes... of course...... i'm still working on my projects.... let's celebrate after this... i have posponed whatever that i want to celebrate to after new year.... for when the moment you succeed in what you are doing... you will have extraordinary satisfaction... i will only celebrate when this moment arrives.......

22-12-2008 ( Monday)

sometimes i do hate getting connected to the internet in my college lobby.... especially when there are people practicing for either sport or arts competitions.... they are very noisy... not because of their practices... but because they would continue talking like no one else live in the college anymore... or like they are the greatest people in the college who can continue talk and talk without considering the feelings of others... 

it is the same case when you back to the room... those fellows will continue talk and talk and yup... more often... shout and shout... like they are the first ones who figure out how to measure the density and volume of an odd-shaped object (Eureka!!!).... there will be no one else in the eyes of those fellows... sometimes i hate this part of my university.... i expect healthier lifestyle here because the relevant authorities threw away plenty of money (a lot!!) just to make sure students' soft skills are well trained... perhaps in people's eyes... soft skills are only soft skills ... so the communication skills are not important.... they can do whatever disturbances they like to others... just like they are on the top of the world.... but sadly the true story tells almost otherwise....

let's talk about another subject.... the laboratory assistants... those fellows still using their old tricks to makan ular.... today morning i saw a notice again... "ke bank"..... and the notice would exist until 3 in the afternoon.... i just realize the down side of living in KL.... people need to take half day off "illegally".... (perhaps 6 hours) just for them to go to a bank... (since when KL become so ulu that you need 6 hours journey to access a bank??).....

21-12-2008

four days to Christmas.... eight days to school reopen day... eleven days to new years.... eight days are the number of days i have to complete all the sensors developing by me.... namely the most important ones... colour and infrared sensors... and today is the day that i have truly finished in developing the infrared sensor.... which is almost totally invincible to environmental inteferences even totally used under direct sunlight.... this is something i'm proud of... as i developed the whole sensor by myself.... 

sensors in day times.... so how about at night?? i'm learning into 16-bit microprocessors and DSPs for my future digitalization purpose of my analogue products.... this has costed me every night time in order to develop it.... and i still need to spend some times to write a full report about all my past products to my professor..... 

i'm still searching for a new direction in my life... as i understand... they will be no more back-up in anything i do in my life.... i have to be totally independent... and the source of income will be one of my next semester primary objectives.... 

without wireless internet connection in room.... it is a very difficult period for me... especially that i have to go to my college lobby almost every night for my learning process.... as oppose from most of other students... i dont quite like to look or read the whole book... i prefer online resourcing as it provides me the up-to-date information that i needed so much in what i'm doing... hence... in short... i'm so depend on computer and internet....... 

another night with noisy environment in lobby..... but i have already get use to it.... something suddenly pop into my mind.... that i can actually try to study something about noise cancellation technique... maybe my next project can be based on it...... who knows.... :>

20-12-2008 (saturday)

it's a saturday night.... always... in the past... my family would call me in this night... i really love this day.... when i can talk to my family... to share my problems with them.. to tell them what i have achieve... to tell them that i was alright...  to..................................

that no longer happened..........

i will just keep myself very very busy to temporarily forget about all other stuffs.... like what i'm doing right now.... i will become an extremely busy person... not because of i'm very hardworking ... but simply that i want to forget..... and to not remember, the happening that i dont wish to remember....

18-12-2008(thursday)

it's just a week before Christmas... i'm still hanging around my workshop to finish what i did not finish for the last few weeks... i have begun to feel and experience the loneliness in losing a family member... particularly at night, there isn't any serious work i do at night... except some hardware programmings... so i tend to think a lot of different stuffs during that time... unfortunately... mostly painful in heart....

another day of typical research and development... and i have started to think about my financial problem.... there is not much left for me... i used a lot of money to travel between penang and KL for the past few weeks.... i need some source of incomes next semester.... i need to have it.... 

it's raining again... college is so quiet again that i wonder where the people are going... fortunately.. those stay back for extra curricular projects and activities normally go for supper at late night... so there is little to worry about for me as i will be sleeping when they start coming back and making noise.... 

tomorrow is another day where my testing job will take place.... i need to complete what i need to complete before christmas.... i plan to have some days of holidays for myself after christmas and before new year.... good luck to me... may the luck with me this time....

16-12-2008 (Tuesday)

today is the day which i will start not enjoying the peace of my residential college as students came back for some performance and sports training.... as you know .... they are very noisy... and they shout a lot especially in the middle of night... preferably midnight... hence.. i'm considering to change my wake up and sleep timetable again... which will be tabled in my mind in a few days time.... 

i'm now reconsidering the industrial training opportunities that i have... since i didnt apply yet for the some reasons.. and with the departure of my mom... i'm considering not to stay in Penang for that period... since i still have robocon competition in may.. hence, i'm considering to stay in KL...

anyway.... those are the days long after today... and today... again ... out of sadness.. i have completed the signal conditioning testing of colour and infrared sensors... and the results pass with flying colours.... hence the latest by the day after tomorrow... i will be able to produce one of my final edition of that two types of sensors.... which my fellow friends waiting for them already for a long time...

many people said... man... you guys are crazy... chinese said "xiao".... who will produce sensors by themselves for robocon?? go buy lah!!!.... but i dont know... i like to do it myself... and i have no choice.. i have to succeed in it... if not... our teams will not have any sensor to use...

when i had any problem... i often talked to my mom... now i dont know who i'm going to talk to... do you believe in the life after death?? perhaps she still can hear what i say... and i can continue talk to her...

tomorrow will be another testing day... with again... i have to go to the laboratory for that piece of oscilloscope.... cant my friends help me to get one from faculty?? i really have no time for the letter writing and staff negotiations... i have waited for a few months... and nobody seems to care about it... haiz.... what a difficult circumstances in undergraduate research... i need some friends to help me... but i have already felt disappointed and no longer wanna ask people to do any stuff... better do it myself....

14-12-2008 (sunday)

today is another day full of quietness and loneliness.... a heavy rain in the afternoon washed away the unhealthy air and earth nearby.... leaving the unusual fresh air in the heart of malaysian capital city.... 

i finished printing, drilling and soldering 4 circuit boards for 2 different sensors today... out of sadness... there was no people came to the workshop today.... accept one.. a good day with less interference so that i can finish what i need to do.. 

but at night... the nightmare started to happen... the interference increased... there are people coming back to college due to SUKMUM... which is the sport event in UM... we have training... so the noise keep coming... this period is the most frustrating period i need to experience because students here dont need to study in holiday.. they keep talking, shouting, doing insane and others... the situation is so terrible that sometimes i need to change my routine from sleeping at night to sleeping at day time and did my research at night... what a wonderful world...

i hope to finish my job as soon as possible... i still want to visit my lecturers in KMPh during this holiday... i need to finish my job asap......

11-12-2008 (thursday)

i returned to UM this day.... it was a very difficult journey for me in the past few weeks.... i hope everything will be ok in the future... there are so much challenges and adventures in my life that now i have to pray for peace, pray for no more adventure... no more heart-breaking moment... i have to stay calm and alone for a period of time... i need some times to think about my destiny in life... i need to know what i am doing right now.... is me who type this blog?? or my brain who type this blog?? or it can be calculated that a person who named you yang will type this blog now... it seems like ridiculous... but there are more and more stuffs in this world are becoming predictable and can be explained through mathematical equations... why not our lives are predictable too... maybe we are controlled by others... we may not know.... or somebodies are watching us right now from another world.. we may not know it too...

5-12-2008(friday)

my mom finally past away today.... she has stopped to suffer and has started a new life in another world.... after 100 hours of food-less condition.... my brother and i slept beside her for the past few days... we took care of her... also.... slept on sofa... the workers of the casket service were so efficient that they have already cleared all the stuffs in my living room before we finished crying for my mom... since then... until the day i returned to UM.... i slept in the living room.... next to the coffin... every night... to be with her for the last time... 

she never see me graduated from UM... she never see me succeed in life... she never see me married... those ups and downs in my life... she will never see it.... that's life.... sometimes you get to see all those stuffs you wish to see... sometimes not... that's life...

i was yet to readjust myself to the situation as i never expect she would pass away in one of the most scariest way we have... a cancer who spread to her whole body, destroying every cell she has..... 

3-12-2008 (wednesday)

i received a call again today... some friends asked me... why you didnt answer my call?? or why you didnt reply my message in MSN?? or why you didnt reply my message in SMS?? they might not know about it.... but i was and am still afraid of answering something.. something that i afraid will bring bad news to me.... as the bad news that i received for the past few years were outnumbered the good news by a ratio of more than 10:1.... in short.. i have a phorbia to receive something from others... i prefer to talk to people directly....

and hence... the next hour ... again... i was behind the wheel to head home... this time... i have prepared for the worst... i know the feeling when my brothers asked me to drive slowly.. not to rush... and they said it was all depend on God if i have the chance to meet her for the last time... 

at home... i didnt have to go to the toilet for a very long time... the water was dissipated from my body through my eyes.... there was no need for toilet anymore... it was already too late... she could not recognize me... she could not see me... she could not feel me.... she can only listen to my voice.... sometimes....

cancer is ridiculously horror when it reached the central nervous system... it shut down every movement of our body... it attacks every cell available in our body...

to be continue....

30-11-2008( Sunday)

i was still in the hospital.... as always, i slept on the sofa the night before... this day was the day when the doctor declared that she was free to discharge herself and go home... i thought it was a good sign for her... but when i read the report card... everything went wrong.. she was dehydrated, the cancer cells already on the boundary of her central nervous system... i saw only a sentence in the report card which read :" general condition improve".... since then... i knew.. there was hopeless...

sunday... today was the last day she ever talked to me in my life.... but i really hate to stay at home.. hence the next day.. monday... i drove back to UM... back to my second home... fifth residential college... where i have also a story to tell... where i have been going through some difficult moments in my life... where i was hurt by friendships.... and where i realized what people can really do to you in order to achieve something... somthing i thought we should have only achieved through hard works....

to be continue...

28-11-2008(friday)

i was in the penang general hospital... i was sleeping on the sofa the night before... i was home, but it was not like a home... with my brother as always.. was quarelling with his wife.. and his wife, who never fail to mess up the house with her "dont care, dont clean and dont respect" attitude since married... frustrated me even further.. it didnt feel like a home.. my dad and mom were in the hospital for the past week, everything in the house looks like a big tong sampah... the unfortunate already in place for a few years... and it will continue forever... i have not been living at home for the past 7 years... since then, i have already accepted the reality where i have lost a sweet and memorable family... the fact that i slept on the sofa every night and i kept my belonging in my car boot every night i went home reflected the condition of my house.... friends always asked: you yang.. why you didnt go home always?? your family must be missing you so much.... i really hope to have a sweet home....

in the general hospital, i was instructed to the department of oncology... the one which take life after life away from this world... i visited her... she still recognized me... she still remember me... but she no longer talked to me like she always did.... we have to send her to penang general hospital after our entire saving almost sucked clean by private hospital in the penang island... the situation was difficult... the next day i came... she nearly cant remember i went to visit her a day before... my dad has stopped his job in order to take care of her... 

to be continue....

27-11-2008 (thursday)

As usual, i found myself still staying in the workshop of the faculty of engineering, university of malaya... i called it workshop... and still call it workshop now... but for others, it is not anything like a workshop, or like a laboratory. people called it carpark. i have been working on my projects since finished the final examination one week ago... i never expect to receive a call in the afternoon that changed my whole life.

i have received a call from my brother when i was still inside the workshop, i picked up the phone, and the next hour i was already behind the wheel in the direction of penang. it was raining that time.. and the road was slippy. something happened, i decided to go home immediately... and for the workshop.. spontaneously, i declared an emergency holiday period to my fellow friends, i have to take this emergency leaves. it was never a guilty case for me when i left everything behind to go home... for me, university is like a small city. there are different kind of people and students, and there are a lot of conspirations, personal agendas, and selfishness going on and on and on... there are the reasons that i never find myself guilty when i didnt finish any job or project in my university

6 hours later(because of rain), i found myself home......

to be continue....

life...

one of the most important stuffs for a person is his family... one of the most challenging unsolved mysteries in the universe is "do our lives in this world are predictable? some people are so lucky that they lives in a really happy family... or they have a good future family... but it is not the case in many situations.. there are different problems in different families... if our lives are really predictable like the patterns expanding of subatomic elements in the universe after the big bang... we should be able to know what happen to our families next... and we should be able to predict our futures... and know what you are going to do tomorrow...